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It's 1 AM.  It's obvious that Vivian is very very tired, her words are coming out confused and big gaps between sentences are needed as she tries to put her exhausted brain in order.  She only slept for two hours the day before.  Ever since she arrived from Japan to Taiwan on the airplane, she has been working nonstop.  Her agent who sits by her wants to tell her to stop the interview, she immediately says, "I'm not tired, I'm not tired, let me speak.  I want to say everything that's in my heart."  Her eyes are starting to get red again.  One hour ago she has just cried.  When she spoke of how she had no idea how to go on in Taiwan five years ago, large teardrops came without warning.  Noisy surroundings suddenly quieted.  The Japanese make-up artist who doesn't understand Mandarin is especially confused, thinking that she hurt Vivian.

I think that I only know Vivian Hsu after talking to her.  I finally started to know this girl who always hops around, always looks nice, works in Japan by herself, always smiles, and is forever trying to be cute.  Born on 3/19/1975 in Fong Yuan, she was discovered by winning "Talent Pretty Girl Contest" in 1990 and she has been in the entertainment world officially for nine years, going from the ill-fated "Shou Nu Dui" (Girl Group) to the notorious "Angel Heart."  Finally she successfully got herself a place in the Japanese entertainment industry, a feat that has always been difficult for outsiders.  Going from being someone expected to take off her clothes in front of the camera to what she is today, when I talked to Vivian Hsu about the process, she said that she thanks the Heaven for her luck. 

"Because I'm really glad that I didn't get all this the easy way.  This makes me appreciate the dawn of every single day, every thing that I own, so that I never forget who I really am.  After all, everything is so unexpected and so transitory in this industry.  If I didn't get to where I am step by step, I don't think that I would have the strength to face the changes.  Maybe I would have broken down easily.  But I won't.  Because I have experienced, I know what it's all about.  I can go back to my original self any time and that original self is the source of all my security." 

I had always imagined that Vivian is someone whom everyone tries to protect and coddle, but this is not true for she has had a painful past.  Throughout her entire life, she has lived with insecurities.  She is only 24 years old right now, but has moved 32 times.  From the south to the north of Taiwan, there is nowhere that she hasn't been to.  The most frightening aspect in her childhood was whether the landlord would come and throw her family out.  "It's a horrible feeling.  You don't know if you will still be living in the same place tomorrow." 

In order to help out her family she has answered phones and carried plates in a buffet restaurant, but the shameful thing is that she never lasted too long.  "Because I'm really not made for the 9 to 5."  Vivian says while eating tapioca.  "But we were really very good.  I didn't want to be a burden to my family, so my sister and I tried hard to get into night school of Taipei Business College.  It's public so it's cheaper.  At that time mom was selling boxed meals in the marketplace, so we delivered boxed meals during the day and when it's time to go to school, we go on a scooter.  I was already in Shou Nu Dui at that time." 

But didn't she think about this before she did the movie and the photobook?  "I was new and the company was so kind to me.  I had no power to challenge decisions.  Besides, being an actress, I thought it was natural to explore all roles."  Didn't she think to give up after all the pressure that followed?  "I couldn't, our family needed the money.  Besides, I love acting.  Other than acting, I didn't know what else to do.  What other work could I do?"

Luckily the Heavens were kind to her.  When she had no idea what to do next, the current Japanese agent gave her a phone call, asking her if she was interested in working in Japan.  She agreed without thinking.  What was the contract?  No idea.  Was there money in this?  No idea.  Would it be scary to be by oneself in a foreign place?  No idea.  She just wanted to get away from everything so she took the earliest plane to Japan the next day.  "Therefore, the reason why I came to Japan was actually unbelievable."  Vivian's face showed resignation mixed with depression and humor.  "I didn't want to be in Taiwan anymore.  I didn't care about all the talk and I wasn't sorry I did what I did, but I couldn't see my family getting hurt..."  When it came to choosing between fear of the unknown and the suffocating pressure that comes with notoriety, she chose the former. 

The Vivian Hsu that appears in Japanese game shows is like a cute little girl.  Her Japanese was horrible, but very funny.  The innocence that shines out from her seems to say that she was born to be coddled.  In reality, she had to endure the first 2 or 3 years in Japan with gritted teeth.  The Vivian Hsu back then knew not a word of Japanese.  Even though there is an agent, there are still many things that she must face by herself. 

"When I was sad I would cry.  Cry by myself at home.  Cry to the mirror.  I asked myself in the mirror, what do you want?  What are you afraid of?  Why are you crying?  Why are you lonely?  Why are you here?..."  Her eyes redden again.  "I believe, as long as you are willing to look at yourself truthfully, not just at the surface, but when you see straight into yourself through the mirror, everyone will cry.  We really need to communicate with ourselves often.  Lots of times, only you can help yourself." 

Nine years, she has matured through all the difficulties.  Vivian Hsu says that she has become stronger and more independent.  Even though she always likes to act sunny and cute, there is also an underlying toughness.  This year, her dream for nine years came true.  She finally bought a house for her family to live in, without fear of being thrown out by the landlord.  "From now on, I can have choices.  Before I would work rather than sleep, I would take any job.  I would say 'No problem, Vivian can do it.'  Now, I can finally do what I want to do."  What is that then?  "Anything that presents me with a challenge."  Vivian says, "I enjoy challenges.  For example, acting in a movie that isn't all jolly happy.  Learning to write songs by myself, having a live concert and sharing that experience with all my fans, having an earth-shaking love affair..."  What is an earth-shaking love affair?  I ask her curiously.  "Um, if I can think out the details, it wouldn't be earth-shaking then."  Vivian gives me a naughty smile.  "Actually I don't want to get married.  I don't think that you get security from marriage.  I feel that even if two people are together, they need their own space, otherwise they will get sick of each other very fast.  Both parties need to grow in order for them to appreciate each other.  I wish that throughout my whole life I can be like what the Japanese call 'lover lover.'  I don't want just a relationship, I want to have that loving feeling forever..."  Vivian's smile shows the longing for romance that's so prevalent among Pisces.  Singing, acting, clowning around on game shows, occasional modeling.  Vivian says that all of those are what she likes to do.  She has made much effort to grow and make breakthroughs in her career and she believes that other people can see this effort.  "The Heavens are fair.  A hardworking person will always be rewarded.  There is no difficulty that won't pass."  Vivian Hsu believes in this and follows through with her actions.